Hello and happy Saturday. After five years in the online dating world, a girl has to wonder “what the hell did I do to get such weird (and sometimes creepy) messages?” Seriously, I’ve changed my profile a few times over the years, I update my pictures frequently and I always make sure that what is in my profile doesn’t lead to people misunderstanding my intentions. And yet, here I come with a fresh batch of stuff that made me cringe and laugh and also question whether I’ll be single the rest of my life. I don’t remember if in previous posts I quoted the author of the message, but from now on I’ll do that. Don’t worry, if you did send me one of the messages, only your first name will be displayed, so you’ll be a little embarrassed but not publicly humiliated. Let’s get started, shall we?
Pratyush: “Not the best idea to start a conversation but instead of small talk (which I am weirdly terrible at) can we please pretend I used some really cool line and skip the boring part and talk about something more fin? Like how I am going to pay the bank my education loans? Or if you can make me feel better by telling me that you have them too? Also- what are your thoughts about pineapple?”
Oh wow, dear Pratyush. Your message was definitely something. My initial thought when rereading and typing this message was “this guy got that first line from a dating coach or something of the sort.” I mean, theoretically, I would see the whole “let’s skip the small talk and cut to the point” line work, although maybe it’s something that works better in person if you’re in like a bar or a party. So, okay, the intention was there, and it might have worked. What failed and turned this line into a mess? I think our dear friend here tried to improvise at the end, talking about student loans and pineapple. It was random, it was awfully personal in my opinion, and it was kind of desperate. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s copy-paste and you know how I hate those. Boy, bye.
Maamoun: “I got half a mind to take you to a very glamorous restaurant where the lights are low and the music is so soft. And got half a mind to hear you breathe in ecstasy against my neck…”
Sweetie, I read mommy porn, I know you didn’t come up with that text yourself and I know you send it around to basically every girl out there and wait to see who actually falls for that cheesy line. Again, it sounds like a line from a dating coach. I mean, the title of the post is probably something like “How to Awaken Your Girl’s Sex Drive With One Line.” I hate sexual comments from strangers, and this kind of messages are the reason why I block so many people everyday on OkCupid.
Rahul: “Hi…can we become friends :)”
No, honey, we can’t. That’s not the way you make friends. That’s the way you find girls in need of affection. Now, I don’t know this particular guy’s motives, but judging by the latest developments on 90 Day Fiancé Happily Ever After, I’m now more suspicious about this type of messages, targeted to sad and lonely girls to fall in love with handsome and exotic strangers. You know who I’m talking about, right Azan?
Ted: “What do you think about guys who don’t wear underwear?”
Let me set the context for this message: I was actually talking to another guy at the time and I’d send him some of the weird messages I got for him to read. I sent him this one, and then I sort of felt challenged to reply, so I did. The truth is, I won’t think any more or less of a guy who doesn’t wear underwear. It’s your decision and your comfort. I think it’s weird that’s the first message he decides to send, like he really does care about what people think of his decision of going commando. Now an update because I know you’re curious: I’m not talking to either guy anymore.
M…:”Hi my eyes are stuck on your beautiful face and not going any where, any suggestions what to do now? Hope to hear from you soon”
I’m pretty sure this guy had a full name, but I couldn’t catch it. Anyway, it seems like the dating coach was giving out free copy-paste messages because this one is clearly one. This honestly makes me cringe, and I’m sure there’s a type of woman this kinda thing works with, it just doesn’t with me. I know too much about online dating to fall for that one. Also, I personally don’t like people straight up talking about my looks, you know? I’d rather you went ahead and tried to actually have a conversation, not throw that cheesy line at me and wait for my reaction.
mostafa: “hi my name is mostafa from Egypt i’m looking for a beautiful woman like u, and i want to spend my life with the right woman can we get to know each other.”
Now this is probably Azan’s first message to Nicole. It is clearly a scam, and I obviously didn’t fall for it, but I also understand why some women do. I mean, we all have different reasons why we go into online dating, and many people just feel lonely and desperate and in need of a connection they consider real. Many people want to find that someone to spend the rest of their lives with, and then here comes this guy who’s saying all the right things, all the things some people want to hear. I said it’s a scam earlier because in my mind arrangements that are based solely on convenience are, but to each their own.
Skybil: “I’m Bilal from Algeria we can be friends or maybe more how’s know if you Went Camela of course…I really like you.”
I want you to look at this and the previous messages and look at the similarities when it comes to structure. First they introduce themselves, then for some reason they say where they’re from, and after that they go straight to whichever proposition they have, which in both cases includes something “more” than being friends. Now I know this message got confusing in the middle, and I think what he meant to say was it I wanted to (my name is Camila, we all know that), but again it’s clearly a copy-paste that gets sent to see which vulnerable woman will actually respond.
Ka: “I love your body type”
How to get me upset? Give me unsolicited opinions about my body. Honestly, even if it’s to say you like it, don’t. I have full-body pictures in my profile, I have pictures wearing a bikini, I’m showing you exactly how I look like so that we’re both sure that if you swiped right it’s because you liked my body type, among other aspects of myself. I’ve talked about my body type in this blog, and I’ve told you I fall in this in between where I’m not really plus size, but I’m “big” for straight sizes. I have big legs and a booty and I have rolls, and I know how to rock them. So please don’t think you’re doing me a favor by saying you like my body type because there are men who genuinely do without having to wave a flag and announce it to the world. You and your kinks can go somewhere else, thank you.
This is getting super long, so let me just stop right there, and continue with part 3.2 next week, and I promise there is good stuff coming. In the comments below tell me if someone has ever tried to scam you online or in real life.
Love, Miss Camila