Such a Badass Read

 

100th.pngHello and happy Wednesday. Sorry for the boring thumbnail, but I recently gave away Rebel Belle by Rachel Hawkins, which is the book I’ll be reviewing today.

I loved this book and its characters from the beginning. We have Harper, the protagonist, who is annoyingly perfect in every way, and yet for some reason I found her super likeable. There’s also David Stark, a guy I think everyone’s had in their lives, and if I were back at school I would definitely enjoy having him around.

As always, I went into this book blindly, so at first I just thought it would be about high school, like your typical YA novel. Then, of course, everything gets way more interesting when sword fights and secret super powers start happening, and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been way into Once Upon a Time lately, but anything involving fights and magic makes me happy.

I also appreciate when some depth is added to a story, and in this case there’s a family situation going on that makes everything more real and relatable, even when there are swords and secret super powers involved.

And of course, we all know what’s going to make me really love this story: some old-fashioned romance. We had to wait for this one, we had to fight for this one, but we got it and it was just perfect. It was the kind of I-can’t-stop-smiling romance I love reading about. This is the first book in a series, so I will keep talking about Harper and David in the future.

Have you read Rebel Belle or are you interested in reading it? Let me know in the comments.

Happy reading!

Love, Miss Camila

Brown + Pale Gold Makeup

Hello and happy Monday. Today I’m wearing clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear on weekdays even though I’m currently not working. I have my hot pink sneakers, and a black v-neck t-shirt on and I feel like going out and doing stuff. I’m also wearing my pink and gold jacket, and I think what I’m wearing on my face goes perfectly with it, with the gold eyelids and the mauve-y pink lips. Here are the steps I followed to achieve this look:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Primer
  2. Concealer
  3. Foundation
  4. Powder
  5. Eyebrows
  6. Brown (crease)
  7. Pale gold (eyelid)
  8. Brown eyeliner (tightline)
  9. Brown (top and bottom lash line)
  10. Mascara
  11. Bronzer
  12. Blush
  13. Lipliner
  14. Pink lipgloss

Do you, like me, have different looks to wear depending on whether your style of the day is more casual or more formal? Let me know in the comments below.

Happy Monday!

Love, Miss Camila

 

Things That Smell Nice (An Update)

Hello and happy Sunday. I remember going to this girl’s house when I was thirteen and seeing her collection of perfumes, lotions and other things that smell nice and thinking, “whoa, I want to be like her when I grow up.” For a while, I’m obsessed with anything and everything that smells nice, as you could tell by my original Things That Smell Nice post, but since then some products have run out and I’ve obviously acquired more. In today’s post I’m going to list everything and link as much as I can so that you can get them if you’re interested. Let’s get started, shall we?

L’Occitane Rose des Champs Silky Body Gel 

Ross D’Elen Rose Water Cream

Skin & Co Umbrian Truffle Body Lotion  

L’Occitane Citrus Verbena Body Lotion 

L’Occitane Almond Supple Skin Oil 

 

 

 

 

Victoria’s Secret Pure Seduction Fragrance Lotion 

GAP So Pink Hand Cream 

Bath & Body Works Tahiti Island Dream Body Lotion 

Cake Beauty Heavy Cream 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bath & Body Works Pretty as a Peach Fine Fragrance Mist 

Rose D’Elen Rose Water Splash 

Pink Fresh & Clean Body Mist 

Victoria’s Secret Pure Seduction Fragrance Mist 

 

 

 

 

Bath & Body Works Rose Fine Fragrance Mist 

Éssika Paradisso Fragrance Mist

Bath & Body Works White Citrus Fine Fragrance Mist 

Familand Flower Blossom Splash 

 

 

 

 

 

Bath & Body Works Moonlight Path Body Cream 

Bath & Body Works Moonlight Path Fine Fragrance Mist 

Pink Fresh & Clean Body Mist 

*These are products I haven’t yet opened because I’m waiting to run out of the others before using these. I think I might be able to take them with me unopened. Or maybe I’ll give them to my mom or my sister, I haven’t yet decided.

 

Essence Nature 35 

GAP So Pink Eau de Toilette 

L’Occitane Verbena Eau de Toilette 

Carolina Herrera CH L’Eau Eau Fraiche 

Burberry My Burberry 

Oscar de la Renta Oscar

 

 

 

Chloé Eau de Parfum Spray, Mini Deluxe Dabber, and Body Lotion 

That’s my collection of things that smell nice. In the comments, tell be about your favorite fragrance.

Happy Sunday!

Love, Miss Camila

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why (We Think) Dating Sucks

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Hello and happy Saturday. You already know about my most recent fail story when it comes to online dating, and even though I felt ready to share it with the world, I must admit that I’m still mourning the death of a potential relationship. If we count the weeks in which MHD disappeared on me and everything, we were in each other’s lives for three months, and that’s a considerable amount of time and effort we each, in our own way, put in.

In last week’s post, I talked about some things I learned with this whole situation, but I think the most important one was to receive and listen to the right type of advice. My first big conclusion in terms of dating advice would be to try to get it and understand it before things happen. Since things started going downhill with MHD, I started watching Mark Rosenfeld‘s videos reading his blog, Make Him Yours.

I gave myself the whole “dating advice for women is totally anti-feminist” speech before watching the first video. And then all of my preconceptions died away as I kept listening to Mark’s advice. You’d have to see for yourselves and judge whether you’re into what he says, and also whether you’d apply it to your life. In my case, I felt that he was pretty accurate describing attitudes I’d been having towards MHD, as well as some of his reactions.

Whether my thing with MHD would have worked or not had I listen to Mark’s advice earlier on, is something that I wouldn’t know. What I do know, is that I now have a set of tools to work with once I’m ready to start online dating again, and that’s what I mean when I say that I think it’s better to get that advice before things happen. I feel that I now can anticipate myself to some of my attitudes or my reactions towards a guy’s attitude, and I can be smarter about what to say, instead of just not thinking and messing things up.

Now, every person’s situation is different, and I think that’s why so many people don’t follow dating advice from a coach. The thing is, I’ve never really dated in real life, and I want to start doing it once I move abroad, but I don’t know anything about it. I know a great deal about online dating, and that’s helped me be more confident. It’s also helped me see what I want and what I don’t want in guys.

MHD really put my lack of knowledge about relationships (and my patience) to the test. Even though we both agreed on not being exclusive, our interactions were pretty much the ones of a couple. Again, this may not be true, but I don’t have the experience to tell. In the situations when I felt like I needed those words of wisdom, I turned to my friends, and it wasn’t until I watched Mark’s videos that the I realized advice they were giving me was just as bad as what I was doing myself.

For instance, MHD used to wake up really late, so I usually din’t hear about him until noon, when I was having lunch. It made me crazy that he wouldn’t respond to my “good morning” texts (which I sent at five in the morning, when I woke up). First off, I was assuming he didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t know he woke up so late. I hated when he opened a message right after waking up, but didn’t reply immediately, so I would push him, sending another text, to which he’d always reply and then we would have a conversation. I told H, one of my best friends, this situation and she told me, “play hard to get.”

Now, what she meant was that I should ignore him for a couple of days. By “ignore” I mean read his texts and don’t respond, to basically make him beg. That didn’t really sound like a great idea, and even then I knew, without resorting to any dating coaches, that if I did that, he would most likely lose interest. Honestly, though, who likes to have somebody read your message and then ignore you? I wasn’t going to do to him what he did to me. I did, however, give him some time, and that’s probably one of the best pieces of dating advice I’ve gotten from Mark’s videos, which I will discuss in a future post.

There’s this thing called “intermittent reinforcement,” which I’ve applied when texting a guy I like. The way I see it, which might be totally wrong, and if it is, please correct me, is that, by not being consistent with the way in which I contact a guy, he will take an active part in the process of contacting me as well. By texting MHD every day at the same time, he knew he’d get my text by the time he woke up, right? But when I decided to give him some time, and didn’t text him one morning, he was the one who texted me. Now, because the idea is that the times are random and inconsistent, the following day I did text him first, only not at the time I usually did. I think you get the point.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “well, if you had that amazing strategy at hand, why did your thing with this guy fail so miserably?” The answer is pretty clear to me at the moment, but it wasn’t then, and it’s that I wasn’t really being smart. When something was weird with MHD, I’d seek my friends’ advice, who’d tell me “all men are the same,” but would leave me just as confused and desperate as before, or worse because now I thought that things would just suck for me no matter who I dated.

D, who is my other best friend, is this super rational girl. She’s also very traditional and old-fashioned. Before things with MHD got out of hand, and before I went batshit crazy, I asked for her advice, which I’d been avoiding because I knew that, unlike my other friends, she was going to tell me the cold, hard truth. She was the one who told me that it was shady that MHD only decided to appear on the day before I came back home, while I’d been trying to get a hold of him for almost a full week.

She told me not to give the lead role to a guy who for now was just an extra. She told me that, had a guy ghosted her or my sister, like MHD did me, I would’ve advised them to ditch him. She basically told me what I didn’t want to hear and what I am now learning to assimilate and integrate into this new mindset I’m working on.

Many times during those three months I spent talking to MHD, I told myself “dating sucks,” or “I suck at dating,” and now I honestly think that for that particular experience, those things were a bit true. I wasn’t making smart decisions and I was taking advice from people who I knew would tell me what I wanted to hear; I didn’t stop and think. I was forced to do that, but now I’m taking that opportunity to take all those pieces of advice that maybe I didn’t want to hear, or those that came too late, and I’m getting myself ready for what’s to come.

What piece of advice would you give to someone who thinks they suck at dating? Let me know in the comments!

Happy Saturday!

Love, Miss Camila

On Anxiety

THROWBACK THURSDAY (2).pngHello and happy Thursday. This isn’t going to be a particular story of my past, but just something I’d like to address and I hope at least one other person out there could benefit from reading. I am all sorts of messed up, but I especially suffer from anxiety. Now, this is not the cute and hip social anxiety many teenagers claim they suffer from. I mean the kind of anxiety that prevents me from falling asleep some nights because the recurring thoughts will simply not go away and leave me alone.

If you know me, I think at least part of my general behavior in life can be explained through I’m sharing in this post. I’m anxious in the way that I don’t like question marks or blank spaces in my life. I like to have answers for everything, and that makes me come off as controlling. I plan everything to the detail because I am seriously afraid of what would happen if something didn’t go right, and more often than not it ends up backfiring because I’m not really used to acting or thinking on the spot, so I basically sabotage myself.

I hate when there’s a change in my routine because I hate not knowing how it’s going to affect my entire day. I think part of the unconscious reasons why I chose to be a teacher is the fact that the workday is all scheduled. I don’t have to sit down and think about what I’ll be doing for the next eight hours: even my lunchtime has already been determined.

Of course, that means I’m a planner, and I don’t know how many times I’ve had someone jokingly tell me “I forgot you plan everything.” When it comes to guys, I’m usually drawn to those who are the opposite of me, guys who want to see where things go. That, in a way, forces me to relax, to be okay with not being in control of everything.

In 2015 I made a plan. I would move to the States in 2018. Well, now that plan is underway, and it was during one of those preparation trips that I decided to write about my anxiety. Part of it is the cute hip type I talked about at the beginning, you know? Part of it is “I really want to go out and buy something to it, but what if the cashier doesn’t understand my English?”

The other part is the one that reminds me of every little thing that can go wrong, and I mean, every little thing: “what if I don’t wake up on time?” “what if I wrote down the wrong address and now I won’t be able to make it?” “what if there are no buses for me to ride?”

Being by myself has made me push through some of those thoughts and just do what I have to do. Some days I’ll look back and tell myself “see? That wasn’t so bad,” and some other days I’ll go “okay, I’m not going through that again.” I still have to live, I still have to wake up in the mornings, make my bed and get ready. I still have to go to work and socialize. I still have to go to a restaurant and hope that the cashier understands my Colombian English.

I want to end this post on a lighter note, so tell me a joke or a funny anecdote in the comments below.

Happy Thursday!

Love, Miss Camila

Miss Camila’s Wishlist

Laser Hair Removal.pngHello and happy Wednesday. A couple of weeks ago I shared my TBR list with you so that you know which books I’ll be reading and reviewing in the future. I also reviewed my wishlist and I have two versions for you.

If you click here, you get to download the Word version, which means you can digitally edit the list. This is honestly my preferred option because I get to delete stuff if I want to, or highlight it or work with it in a “cleaner” way.

By clicking here, you’ll download the PDF version. This is great if you’re more into pen-and-paper stuff. This version is ready to be printed and put somewhere visible.

Now, what I’d do when I get either version is look through the list and see which titles I already own or have read, so that I could remove them from the list, and then start acquiring the rest. My advice would be to try and read a significant amount of titles from the TBR list before getting more books from the wishlist.

In the comments below, tell me whether you have a wishlist and how long it is.

Happy reading!

Love, Miss Camila

 

Golden Green Makeup

Hello and happy Monday. Today I felt like wearing a new shirt and match my makeup to it, and I’m seriously loving the subtle fall vibes it’s giving me. For this look I did play with shades that I don’t usually even consider, but that really complement my brown eyes. These are the steps I followed to achieve the look:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Primer
  2. Foundation
  3. Concealer
  4. Eyebrows
  5. Powder
  6. Golden green (eyelid)
  7. Brown (crease)
  8. Black olive eyeliner (tightline)
  9. Golden green + brown (lower lash line)
  10. Mascara
  11. Bronzer
  12. Blush
  13. Lipliner
  14. Lipstick

In terms of makeup and fashion trends, what is your favorite season? Let me know in the comments!

Happy Monday!

Love, Miss Camila

Empties #6

Hello and happy Sunday. In my urge to try and use up as many products as I can before my trip, I’m filling the “empties” bin at a higher speed than usual, which is always good because I get to look back on the stuff I’ve used and share with you my thoughts on it. Let’s get started, shall we? 

Eucerin Sun Gel-Cream Oil Control 

This is actually the second sample I had, and now I’ve run out of it, and it kinda sucks because I used to love the formulation of this SPF. Because it’s oil control, it had a dry texture, which is essential for me, especially because even if I’m at the beach or whatever, I will wear makeup and I can’t look all shiny from my sunscreen. We all know, though, that Eucerin is super expensive, so as much as I loved it, I’m not going to buy it in full size.

Hey Honey 24Seven Day & Night Moisturizing Cream 

I got this in an Ipsy Glam Bag and I absolutely loved this cream. This is the moisturizer I kept in my travel bag and I held on to this until literally nothing came out. I love the scent of this, and I was especially amazed at the way my face felt after applying this. It is surprisingly hella expensive so, no, I won’t be purchasing it in full size.

Trestique Tint, Moisturize & Blend Stick

A while ago I got a complete Trestique set, which I paid for with my hard earned money. (If you click here, you can check out the post I wrote on it.) I honestly loved this product, but I was kind of disappointed when I ran out because I couldn’t believe how short the stick actually was. I mean, had I known it would last me so little, I would never had paid $30 for it, so obviously repurchasing is not an option.

Model Launcher Felt Tip Liner in Emerald Isle 

We all know Ipsy’s favorite item to send are eyeliners. This one was special, though, because it was green. That means that I must’ve used it a total of three times before it dried and I had to move it to the bin. I appreciate the fact that this was in a glam bag because a green liquid eyeliner is always a fun addition to any makeup collection, but it’s not something I would go and spend my money on, so unless it’s $1, I wouldn’t buy it. (Spoiler alert: it’s not $1).

Smashbox Photo Finish Radiance Primer 

I got this in an Ipsy bag as well, and yes, it’s good. Is it the best primer I’ve tried? No. Do I think it’s worth the money some people actually spend on it? Not at all. When I talked about this product in my September Glam Bag Unboxing and Review , I said it does wonders for the skin’s texture, but I must’ve been having a great skin day or something when I wrote that review. It does make your skin look dewy, but it does nothing for the texture.

Ross D’Elen Rose Water Splash 

I didn’t actually run out of this, I just moved it to a bottle with a spray thingy. I love the scent of Rose Water because it’s fresh and delicate with out being a little girl scent, you know? I wear it to go to the gym, so nobody can tell I haven’t showered. This was a present, so I’m going to try not to look at prices. I also have another rose-scented splash, so when I run out, I’m not going to buy this.

Catch Fragrance Mist 

I got this in a Colombian subscription box and couldn’t find a proper website for it. It’s a travel size, which is very convenient, obviously. I did wear it in some trips, although I wasn’t a huge fan of the scent. It was too sweet for me, and you know I don’t really like sweet fragrances. It faded after a short while, which was annoying, so I don’t think I’d buy this in a full size, even if I found it somewhere in Colombia.

In the comments below, tell me about a recent “empty” that you’d totally recommend.

Happy Sunday!

Love, Miss Camila

 

My Second OK Cupid Experience (2/2)

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Hello and happy Saturday. Let’s just continue with part two of my most recent fail story when it comes to online dating.

It was the day before I had to come back to Bogota. Daylight savings had happened the previous day and I still felt like an hour of my life had been stolen. I woke up, listened to my teacher bff’s voice note, replied, and then went back to sleep. I was woken up a second time by a text. I would’ve ignored it, except the yellow Snapchat icon meant that text could belong to only one person. Yes, MHD was texting me in the morning of my last day in Baltimore.

He wanted sex. He wanted it so badly, at first he told me he would go all the way to the apartment where I was staying just to sleep with me. I told him I’d meet him for breakfast, to what he replied he’d buy me breakfast if we had sex first. We talked from 8:30am to 11:30am, and as time progressed and our conversation didn’t, he told me he couldn’t drive all the way to where I was, but maybe I could go to where he was. You see, he works (worked, I have no idea) from 1pm to midnight, so there was no way he could go to Baltimore, have sex, and then go back to where he worked on time. We then decided that meeting that morning wasn’t going to happen, so maybe he could just come over to my apartment after work.

I know it was a booty call, okay? But that was going to be my only chance at seeing my man in person, and I was going to take it. That day I got to my apartment early-ish, took a nice shower, redid my makeup, put on fancy lingerie, and sat down in bed to watch Teachers until MHD got out of work. When he did, he texted “just got out of work,” and then, nothing. I replied letting him know where I was staying, but he didn’t even see the text. I thought he might be driving or something, but then an hour went by and I had no information of him. I knew he wasn’t driving to where I was because he didn’t know where I was, so I just figured he went back to his place. After an hour I texted him I’d just go to sleep.

I had to be at the airport at noon, so I had a few hours in the morning, and I thought, if he woke up earlier like he’d done the day before, then maybe we could meet. Dumb as I am, I even thought he could take me to the airport. Well, I texted him super early and started getting ready. He did reply, you know when? As I was walking to the gate where I had to wait for the plane that would take me back to Colombia.

Then, a weird thing happened. We started talking a lot again, mostly about sex, I’m not going to lie. When I told him I was at the airport and he sent me a sad face emoji, I asked him “next time?” to which he replied “yeah. Next time.” I was still hopeful, after the 8263 opportunities I’d given him and us, I still thought, “well, we’re still talking, aren’t we? March wasn’t our time to meet, but May for sure will be.”

It all went to hell the last two weeks of March. You see, in Snapchat we had the golden heart emoji, which means we were each other’s best friends. One morning I texted him, and he opened the message but didn’t reply. That’s not the worst part, though. The worst part was that our golden heart, which we’d kept for almost a full week, had been replaced with the smiley face emoji. That’s the emoji that tells you “yeah, he might be the only one you’re texting, but you sure aren’t his only one, honey.”

Telling you that I went into crazy overthinking mode is a total understatement. Here’s where all my jealousy and insecurities kicked in. I saw the open message, the other emoji and his Snapchat score, which was significantly higher, and I immediately thought “he’s talking to another girl.” I mean, I was this girl he’d been talking to for two months without meeting, and I’d recently told him we wouldn’t be able to meet for at least another three months. Meanwhile, there are these other girls he can see literally whenever he wants to because they live close to him, and they will satisfy the urge for sex that is apparently his top priority in life.

I was smarter this time than I’d been in February when he disappeared on me, and that’s because I took advice from Mark Rosenfeld as opposed to my friends. I’m going to write a whole post about dating advice, so be sure to check it out, but basically what I did was give him time. I gave him two full days in which I didn’t text him. I was giving him time to text me, but that didn’t happen, so on day three I sent him a cute selfie with a “happy Saturday.” And he replied!

The thing is, I was still feeling like he was talking to another girl, or maybe even other girls, and he was keeping me in the back burner, you know, just in case. We talked a bit more that day, and then he disappeared again, and again I gave him two days. I texted him (yes, I know, I was desperate, and I think deep down I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t wasted almost three months talking to this guy and then nothing), he replied, and you know the rest.

I gave him his two golden days, and I thought, “okay, we’ve been through this before where he just disappears and I keep texting him, and then he reappears, I’ll have to do that.” Was that a good choice? Of course not. By then I should’ve just moved on, but I kept thinking about him and the fact that we indeed had a future together. I didn’t move on, and I know now that if I had, this story would’ve had a different ending.

For about four days, I sent him a good morning text or a selfie (some more provocative than others, but still keeping my clothes on). Then, I don’t know why but on day five I just couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t even looked at my text via Snapchat, so I went to OK Cupid. Now, when he disappeared on me in February, I also sent him messages on this app, and he read them but didn’t reply to them. I had to reenable my account because I’d disabled it when we started talking again and we had the Snapchat golden heart, and to my surprise I found MHD was online.

I’m not proud of this, and it’s going to take me a while to tell anybody (other than you) about this, but I just started bombarding him with messages. I was like Danielle on 90-Day Fiancé. Because MHD was online, he read my messages immediately but wouldn’t reply to them. So I kept insisting. This is going to sound completely insane, but it was kind of fun, to just text him all of this and to know he was reading it. Then I went to refresh the website to discover he’d blocked me.

Our two months of talking ended up with him blocking me. I think he also deleted me on Snapchat. I blocked him on Instagram so that he’d stop following me (although I did unblock him later), and to this day we haven’t had any contact. Now, despite all the red flags he raised, I obviously have to take the blame on the way things ended. Yes, he wasn’t going to confront me and tell me he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, but I just acted plain crazy.

The reason why I ultimately didn’t block MHD on Instagram will probably become obvious to you in a future post, but I did take steps to avoid having the temptation to talk to him. I deleted the Snapchat app from my phone because I was only using it to text him. I also made a few changes to my OK Cupid profile and started talking to some guys, but then decided to delete that account altogether. I will open a new one, but I’m giving myself a full month to process what has happened, to think of ways in which I can be smarter when it comes dating, even if it’s just online for now, and to basically change my whole mindset.

I think MHD and I weren’t compatible because we were looking for different things. He is at a stage in his life when all he wants is sex, and I was looking for a boyfriend, maybe something else. And I think we both tried to see what we wanted in the other person because there was a point when we did like each other. I do hope MHD is getting what he wants. Talking to him made me explore my sexuality way more, and that’s something I’m grateful for. In trying to be sexy for him, I discovered I liked being sexy for myself too, and now I enjoy buying and wearing lingerie.

Moving on with my life and focusing on myself gets easier as days go by. Even though I still considered myself to be single while talking to MHD, I missed feeling single. I missed not worrying whether someone is texting me or not, like receiving a message would be a sign of validation. I missed not feeling like I needed that validation. And so, in giving myself that time, I want to go into dating still feeling the way I do now about myself and my life, and I need to be smart about it. I would give things with MHD another chance, but the terms and conditions definitely have to change, on both our parts, and it wouldn’t be a matter of him taking me back, but rather us starting over.

Have you had a bad breakup or a situation like mine, in which you felt like you needed that abrupt end to stop and reevaluate aspects of your life? Let me know in the comments below!

Happy Saturday!

Love, Miss Camila

Skating Lessons

THROWBACK THURSDAY (1).pngHello and happy Thursday. I think we all have that one person in our lives who manages to ruin all potential crushes for us because in our minds nobody is going to reach the bar they’ve set. If you’re like me, then probably it’s not just one person, but ultimately, though, the bar is removed and almost magically I regain my ability to have crushes on people. The first guy I thought had ruined all the men for me is called David. He is four years older than me and was a teacher at my school. I probably don’t need to clarify that I was indeed a student. I also probably do need to clarify that no, nothing happened, despite my efforts.

I was seventeen when David became a constant in my life. My junior year was almost over and at that point I can honestly say I knew nothing about life. I was basically this walking hormone, getting crushes on every guy who was nice to me, but not acting upon them. I was a mess, but I was a happy mess.

David started out as an assistant for the volleyball coach. He wasn’t at school all day long and he didn’t teach any classes. I know that because I was sort of a master stalker and I’d managed to figure out his schedules by observing and asking around. I was glad he didn’t spend much time at school because I was genuinely concerned with the possibility of him watching me in a P.E class.

See, I’ve told you this before, I’ve always been overweight, and on top of that, I was neither athletic nor graceful at school. Quite the opposite, really, which is why I despised having to learn to roller-skate that semester. Every time I had to go to P.E and put on those skates, I felt like dying. Every single class I fought with my teacher, who’d “encourage” me with a quote by Michael Jordan or some other athlete who had nothing to do with rollerskating.

I prayed for that class to get cancelled, even if it meant having two hours of Calculus or Chemistry. I secretly wished for my teacher to get ill so that we had the free hour and I could just sit down and not skate. And sometimes I even hoped that I could just put on the skates and, well, skate. I am anxious by nature, and this was proving to be too much for me.

My teacher moved me to a side of the gym, away from the other girls who could skate. I wasn’t alone, so along with a classmate I got personalized instruction. Whenever the teacher wasn’t looking, though, whenever he went to check on the rest of the class, I’d stop. You see, I’d figured out that if I stood completely still, I could maintain my balance.

And then it happened. No, I didn’t magically learn to skate, and no, I didn’t break something and was let off the hook. Pretty much the opposite, actually. At the end of each class our teacher liked to give us pep talks, only this time he said he had an announcement. I thought the gods of skating had heard me and wanted me to rest for just a day, but no, that’s not what they wanted. Apparently they were bored at watching me get humiliated in front of the same people over and over and wanted to add some fun to the mix.

Well, that fun came in the form of David, with his round perky butt, his soccer player legs and his toothpaste commercial smile. He would replace my teacher the following class. See, David was actually a professional skater or something of the sort. I didn’t know it was possible to be equally excited and feeling like you want to die. I always thought those two feelings were mutually exclusive, but no, they could coexist inside me, and totally manage to mess me up.

I didn’t skip school or accidentally on purpose left my skates at home. I didn’t feign an injury or made something up that would prevent me from skating. Like I said, I was dreading the humiliation, but I was also glad that I would be around David for the entirety of the class.

A few years after I graduated, I went back to my school and was talking to David. We saw this little girl doing a cartwheel and I said, “wow, that’s one thing I never learned to do. That and skating.” He laughed the most wonderful laugh, and at that moment I knew he remembered the fiasco that had been that class. I also knew that I wasn’t that girl anymore, that I could talk about that embarrassing episode with a flirty voice and make it seem like it’d all happened to somebody else.

Unlike our regular teacher, David wore skates to class. He would actually skate as opposed to stand around and deliver instructions I was doubtful he could fulfill himself. David did the initial pep talk and then the group dissolved and everyone started moving gracefully across the gym. I obviously didn’t move, I couldn’t, and it took David a while to notice me.

If you take this paragraph out and read it by itself, it’s going to sound like cheap and dirty mommy porn, I’m warning you. He approached me and told me to open my legs a bit and bend my knees, but I was frozen in place and couldn’t do what he told me even as every one of my brain cells was working to do so.

I wasn’t really scared of falling down, I’ve thought about that a lot, and that’s not what was going on. I was terrified of feeling pain. I still am. Sometimes I’m walking in the street and wonder what could happen if I fell, and I picture a twisted ankle, that will probably indicate a sprain or a fracture. That’s what scares me: the injuries, the actual pain. And that’s what tormented me every time I wore those skates.

People like David, or like my two best friends who’ve always been super athletic don’t mind falling down. They’ve fallen down (literally and metaphorically) many times, and they just get up and keep on going. But at the tender age of seventeen, I wasn’t used to the fall, I wasn’t used to setting myself up for situations that could result in failure. I didn’t take risks, like ever.

He left me there for a few minutes that seemed like whole ages to me, and came back with a hula hoop, which he placed on the floor. He told me to put one foot inside the hoop, and to just start going forward. And I don’t know how I managed to actually lift my feet and place it where he’d told me to, but I did, even if I had no clue what the purpose of the exercise was. I was happy that I was actually pretty stable, until I wasn’t and I felt myself wobble.

David, who behind me, noticed and grabbed my arm. I know he did this instinctively, but just as instinctively my body reacted. Let’s just say my arm wasn’t the only part of my body tingling. Miraculously, my knees didn’t go weak from his touch and there was a part of me that actually felt like I could indeed learn to skate.

The fifty minutes in paradise/hell were over and everybody started getting ready to have lunch. I took my time, still high on David and the possibility that yes, maybe I could learn to skate one day. I genuinely thought that I had made progress with rollerskating, but more importantly, that somehow I’d made progress with David because in my mind that class had meant something to him just like it’d meant something to me. And yes, looking back at the conversation we had years later, I know he did remember that day, but maybe not for the reasons I thought he would.

That was the first time I was near David, and it was the first time I heard his voice and he heard mine. Before that, I’d enjoyed looking at him, and the perfect butt-legs-smile combination that made him super desirable. But now, he’d done the thing that made me fall for boys: he’d been nice. He’d stopped me from falling down, he’d given me hope that I could learn to skate. And he’d moved on to another category in my book. Now he was official crush material, and just like he had no clue who I was, he had no clue what being my crush meant. But he’d find out.

Have you embarrassed yourself in front of a crush? Let me know in the comments below!

Happy Thursday!

Love, Miss Camila