Hello and happy Saturday. I felt that you were by my side earlier this year when I had to quit, and then the months after when I dedicated most of my time to scheduling posts, and you stayed with me when I left to pursue what I thought was my dream life. When I decided that said life wasn’t for me, I felt that you were still there, reading me, trying to understand where I came from, and in a way, supporting me. That’s why I feel that today I owe you this update, which I’ve been putting off for a while now, but the day has come. Today I’ll tell you about my new job.
For those who are new here and felt super confused about that intro and also kind of felt that maybe I’m too much of a mess and you should go to another blog where someone has their shit together, let me give you some context. A few months ago now I left my home to go live in Baltimore and get certified as a teacher there. Why Baltimore? I’m pretty sure I answered that question in another post, that’s not the point. The point is that my depression and anxiety got to a very scary level while I was there and I decided to come back home.
Deciding to go home, although the smart choice mental health-wise, wasn’t very convenient in terms of a job search. You see, I came back in the middle of July, a time in which most schools are already on vacation, meaning no one was hiring, or the ones that had begun working weren’t looking for new staff members. Still, I interviewed with a school and a preschool center, but I feel that I was still too broken and the interviewers saw through that. Today I think that I should’ve given myself a little bit more time, maybe after I’d sought professional health or something so that I could be more prepared to face those interviews.
I was already starting to lose hope when I got a call on a Thursday from a school I’d heard but knew nothing about. I had an interview Friday afternoon and though I was a wreck, I kind of projected all my energy into those few minutes, which I knew would make or break my chances. I even used my energy to try to convince myself that I wanted to teach high school because I was that desperate for a job.
Yes, I got a job as a high school English teacher. I only had to work for the last three months of school, but let me tell you, those were tough months. I will talk more about this in a future post, but I want to give everyone a piece of advise, whether you’re a teacher or not, and it’s: don’t sign up for something you know deep down you won’t enjoy.
Through therapy I’ve discovered that I’m a very insecure person when it comes to my own value. I’m too harsh on myself, and this new job made me feel constantly that I wasn’t good enough. And the truth is maybe I’m not a good high school teacher, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing because my dream in life isn’t to teach teenagers, that was just something circumstantial. But beyond that, I felt like I was forcing some aspects of my role as a teacher, when they came naturally to me. There were times when I struggled to get ideas for my classes, when I questioned whether my students would be engaged or not, and that was something I never experienced with my younger students.
Now, of course it’s not like I spent three months being miserable and crying everyday because my classes sucked. As you will see in some of my Saturday posts, and as I believe you could already see last week, I managed to come up with ideas and strategies that worked and that I’m proud of. Ironically, I was able to do something that so far I had only thought about, which was creating materials for higher levels. Of course, my students were my Guinea pigs and piloting those resources in class helped me improve them so that I can hopefully upload them to my TpT store.
Today I’m in one of those weird creative cycles of mine in which I’ll schedule a ton of posts (and skip German class because this girl needs to blog), and so I finally sat down to write about this rollercoaster. Spoiler alert: it isn’t over, so make sure to check out this blog regularly because in the near future you’ll be getting some updates.
In the comments below tell me about your employment situation. Are you happily employed? Unhappily employed? Happily unemployed? Desperately searching? I’ve been through all of them.
Love, Miss Camila