To All the Guys I’ve Liked Before

To All the Guys I’ve Liked Before

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Hello and happy Thursday. Sue me, Jenny Han, for plagiarizing your book title for this post. Trust me, I thought of other words to go instead of “guys,” but I decided I should at least try to seem like a respectable woman, for once.

This post isn’t really about those guys I’ve had crushes on that were super intense until they weren’t because even from a young age I discovered I got disenchanted almost as fast as I developed a crush in the first place. This post is about the guys I have already dedicated posts to because if I’ve learned something about blogging, especially now that I have Thursdays to specifically talk about myself and my life, and not the other things that are external to me and that make up the content for all the other days, is that once I’m over something, I feel like talking about it. Maybe it’s the other way around, maybe I don’t write about something because I’m over it. There’s a chance that I write so that I can get over that. Like once the words have been typed, I am free because I got closure.

I know it might be unfair to put all these men in one single box, to strip them from their individuality. I once made a list of them. Then I had to keep modifying the list, adding names I’d forgotten about. Embarrassingly enough, sometimes I had to add “the guy from Tinder who liked football” because I couldn’t remember their names. Are there guys in the list with whom I’d still want to at least have occasional contact? Yes. I know I’ll get a few eyerolls here, but there are guys that are cool, that are good people. Yes, the circumstances for our paths crossing weren’t ideal, but if I were quick to judge them all as trash, then I would have to do the same with myself. And I think I deserve at least the benefit of the doubt.

Deleting Snapchat wasn’t an abrupt thing, you know? I mean, I did tell you about the series of events that got me to decide that. But even after I thought I was done with the app, I downloaded it again and found a couple of messages from guys. And so I was honest with them. I told them I was done the dynamic we were having. I didn’t tell them I was done with them, but I understood if they were done with me. I mean, if you sign up for French classes and in the middle of the course you’re told that you’re not getting any more lessons in French, but you could take German instead, you’d most likely want to quit and go somewhere that offers what you want.

I got surprising reactions from them. The one who I thought would understand got all upset. I thought he was done but then he sent me some weird topless pics. I say weird because he’d never sent me something like that. Two other guys were super cool about it. One was flirty and evoked things from our brief and dirty online past, but in a playful manner. He didn’t send any more pics or asked me. The other guy was kind of concerned because obviously we had had something going on and it was going to change. I told him I didn’t want to lose him and he said he didn’t want to lose me, but it was obvious things wouldn’t be as nice and seamless as they once were. And you know what? I was okay with it.

Yes, I know there are some guys I might not be over, but I’m over the way our…thing started. I’m over that period of my life in which I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about the things I was going through, about what was going on in my mind. And I’ve even been able to open up to one of those guys from the list about the depression and anxiety I was experiencing when he and I started talking. And I think that made him understand at least a tiny bit better why I wanted to change my way of doing things.

If there’s anything you want to give closure to, you can leave it in the comments.

Happy Thursday!

Love, Miss Camila

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