Hello and happy Thursday. No, this is not the post in which I tell you I’m taking a break from blogging. I’m actually trying to schedule as many posts as I can right now while I’m on vacation because as soon as things go back to normal with work, I’ll probably only have the weekends.
Last week I told you how on Thursdays I feel like I can be my real self. I don’t have to pretend like I’m put together, like I do when I’m working. I don’t have to hide anything because yes, I am a teacher, but I am more than that and I’ve been struggling. After over four months of therapy I feel that I’m starting to see things “from the other side,” and though that makes me happy, it also makes me want to reflect on what these times of struggle have meant for me.
After coming back from the States I felt defeated for many reasons, but I especially felt that I’d wasted five months of my life. You see, from March to August I was unemployed because I quit my job to be able to travel, do the online courses and the exams required for the program I was supposed to join, and then obviously I was going to leave. Well, I did leave, but I didn’t stay long. I was desperate for a job, and I took the first thing that I felt would give me back my stability.
I was back to working Monday through Friday alright, and I was getting a good salary for it, but that was just external stuff. Inside, I was a mess. I did this post a few weeks or months ago of the guys I’d been talking to online. And I thought that was sort of a reason to be proud. I didn’t want to sit down and explore why I was doing that.
There are things within ourselves that start cooking slowly, and then at a given moment, they just pop up, a realization, a moment of enlightenment. “My guys” started losing interest in me, and I lost interest in them as well. I knew they didn’t like me for me, and I didn’t like them that way either because I’d seen the kind of people they were.
I deleted Snapchat, Tinder, Bumble, and OKCupid. Some of these I’ve re-downloaded only to delete again, and when I say that I mean I’ve deleted my account. No, I didn’t disable it, no I didn’t just remove the app. I want to be a better person for myself. I want to do things that make me proud. I want to look back at how I used to be, and I don’t want to be ashamed of what I did, even if at the time I could’ve blamed depression.
Right now, I’m all for slow cooking. Nice conversations, making plans, liking someone because they’re great and they make me want to be just as great. I don’t send pictures of myself. I don’t need someone’s validation to feel worthy of love. I respect myself and I have standards.
Tell me about a change you’ve gone through in your life recently.
Love, Miss Camila