Hello and happy Thursday. Last week I told you about my panic attack and I did because I feel the need to be open and share with you every aspect of my life. You know about my bad tattoos, you know about my experiences online dating, and you even know about what birth control method I use, so it just makes sense that you know about the state of my mental health.
I recently came back from Baltimore after months of planning of moving there because after just a few days abroad and on my own, I started noticing signs that something wasn’t right with me. I am not an expert on mental health issues, and I don’t want any part of the experience I’m going to share to be thought as an absolute and irrefutable truth. This is my truth, and this is what made me open my eyes and realize that I had a problem so big and so urgent that I had to leave my plans of becoming independent and go back to my country and my home, and basically start over. The reason why I’m sharing this, other than the need I already talked about to be open with you, is that I’m convinced that if this story is able to reach at least one person and help them in some way, then my own struggle was worth it. Let’s get started, shall we?
1. I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE DOING MY MAKEUP
I’m the kind of person who wears makeup almost every day, and I do all the steps: primer, foundation, eyebrows…but after a couple of days in the States I didn’t want to. I just felt like I didn’t have the energy, or rather the drive to sit down and do something I’d done nearly every day since the age of 19. My sister (who’s majoring in psychology) then explained to me that people going through depression experience this thing called anhedonia. It basically means that you no longer enjoy the things that used to make you happy.
2. SOME DAYS, I ONLY HAD ONE MEAL
I’m a big girl and I love eating, okay? I like my five meals a day and sometimes I even do more than that. Well, when I was in Baltimore I only did three meals, and some days I just did one or two. I remember one full day not experiencing hunger. I literally went to the kitchen and made myself something to eat just because I didn’t want to pass out. But even then, I didn’t enjoy what I was eating. This is totally related to what I explained in the previous item: I was basically “losing” everything that made me happy.
3. THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I DIDN’T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED
That day when I just had the one meal, I stayed in bed all day. I know that’s what some people do on Sundays or whenever they can, and I’m not saying that necessarily is something bad, but for me it was. I was in this new city, in a foreign country. It was summertime and I had a free day after a hectic week, and yet I was in my room all day under the blankets watching Younger and counting the hours for the day to be over. I was not alright.
4. MY HAIR WAS FALLING OFF
This is what did it, the fact that after showering I ran a hand through my hair and ended up with literally a handful was scary. I knew I hadn’t been eating well and that might have weakened my hair to the point where it was falling off, but I also knew that was a physical manifestation of my anxiety, which was worse than ever because I had all these uncertainties in my life and I literally couldn’t handle them.
If you notice something out of the ordinary for you that might indicate your mental health is not at is best, ask for help.
Love, Miss Camila