Hello and happy Thursday. Sit back and relax because today I’ll tell you all about what’s happened in my online dating life in the past month and a half. I’ll make sections for every guy with the dates, so that we have a clear timeline. Let’s get started, shall we?
S (June 1st- 20th-ish)
I’d spent a not-so-nice week in Baltimore, in which I’d decided that Bumble, Tinder, and Ok Cupid were complete BS and I was never going to find a good man. That was until I got to the airport way too early and found myself bored AF. So, naturally I re-downloaded Ok Cupid, my one true love, and within minutes I started getting “likes” from guys in my area. Well, in the Baltimore area, which was going to be my area in a few weeks. Anyway, this guy S “likes” me, and I’m immediately drawn by his profile, especially the part that says he doesn’t send dick pics. I felt it as a challenge, what can I do? So I “like” him back and text him. I feel like if I don’t message him right away, I’ll lose him forever.
He replies and we talk for a while, until he asks whether we could move the conversation to WhatsApp. I give him my number and we keep texting. He tells me he’ll be driving for a while so he can’t text, and while he’s gone I get the brilliant idea to ask him a question. “Hey, do you ever want to get married and have children?”
See, I’d heard this dating coach say that was an awesome question because it got guys thinking you were the right girl to marry and have babies with. Genius, right? Only this guy I was talking to had no interest in getting married or having children. He was 33, and had already been married. That’s something he told me after days of talking, so spoiler alert: I didn’t completely push him away with my question.
I explain to him that in a few weeks I’ll be moving to Baltimore and we agree that it’s not a long time, and that we can totally meet and, well, see what happens once I get there. We talk, I get not one but two dick pics, and I was disappointed really, but I was bound to since my previous reference was MHD (which stands for Mr. Huge Dick). Still, I’m into this guy, and I feel like we have fun conversations. I hate the fact that he’s never the first to text. I sometimes even have to use my attributes to get his attention, like “hey, I just got new bikinis, want to see them?”
We’re two weeks in and I feel these really have been the longest weeks of my life. I travel to Europe with my family and notice that for the past two days or so, S hasn’t texted, so I message him, thinking that I’m still respecting the 48-hour rule. I write something like “I think you’re forgetting about me,” and he replies, hours later, “I think you’re getting a bit too clingy.”
That’s our thing, though, or at least his thing, being brutally honest. He’s even told me about how he’s into open relationships and I become curious about them. We don’t talk for the following three days.
The end comes when I’m in Madrid, and for some reason I’m trying to engage in conversation with him but he’s just not into it, so I tell him I’ll just let him know as soon as I get to Baltimore. He replies with a paragraph (an actual paragraph) saying he’s just not into texting on day’s end or something like that, and that he fears I might end up getting hurt because we both want different things. I reply “let me decide that,” but by then I know we’re pretty much over.
While I’m in Madrid, I decide to send him a sexy picture because I like sending sexy pictures to guys I’m talking to. I know I’m breaking the “promise” I’d made of not talking until I got to Baltimore. I go on Ok Cupid and discover our conversation is gone. I fear the worst but have to check, and oh yes, he blocked me on WhatsApp. Just like that. I’m kinda sad I didn’t get to see his little dick. Yeah right.
R (June 25th-30th)
I’m in Bogotá for one more day. I already said goodbye to a lot of people, including my grandparents. But my mind is thinking ahead, thinking about how I’m going to have this amazing life in Baltimore. So I log in to Ok Cupid and in “location” I type Baltimore. It’s before 7 am and this guy R is texting me.
He looks pretty decent. Has nice eyebrows, white teeth, and yes, a shirtless selfie in front of a mirror. But at least it’s not in front of a bathroom. R is smooth, and something about what he wrote in his first message must’ve caught my eye because here I am, replying to his message.
R wastes no time asking me for my number. He’s very insistent in me seeing his…sexy pictures, and so he sends a bunch and asks me what I think. I say what I know he’ll like: “oh wow,” and stuff like that, but I’m really annoyed that he basically pushed me into agreeing to him sending dick pics. I delete them so I don’t have to see them, and he’s convinced I’ve saved them.
The way R talks, for the most part, reminds me of MHD, and we all know that by that I mean they both talk like fuckboys. It’s stupid really, but it’s like they were handed a script. We talk about other stuff, though, basically because I avoid the topic of sex as much as I can. I find out R is a cop, which kind of bothers me but I don’t tell him so. I also discover he’s ready to get married and have kids, and oh yes, he wants me to be his wife. He has nice things too, like the fact that he’s been sober for five years, which is something I admire, so we keep talking.
I have this idea that every weekend I’ll go to a park in Baltimore and tan, and he says he’ll join me. It’s ridiculous, I know, but it sounds so great, and also so doable because I’m going to be in Baltimore tomorrow, and we can go on a date on Saturday.
Inspired by S, I tell him all about having an open relationship, and R is elated. We talk while I’m on the plane going to Baltimore and we agree that on Friday (it’s Tuesday), we’ll have a Skype date.
On Wednesday, I text him good morning and get no reply. Later I text him something else, related to the date we’re going to have on Saturday. He replies after that saying he’s busy with work. Only he doesn’t say it in the “sorry, can’t talk right now, I’m busy. Talk later?”, but more in the “Listen, can’t talk, I’m fucking busy, you know I have a job here.” I block him on WhatsApp and then unblock him because I’m weak. I do delete his number, though.
On Friday, he texts, apologizes (sort of) for being busy. He then disappears so we don’t have a Skype date. We don’t have an actual date on Saturday, either. He didn’t block me on WhatsApp, I know that much, but our communication is over.
A (June 26th- July 7th)
Timing was horrible for A and me, and I’m not only talking about the way we started talking. He actually messaged me while in my Atlanta layover, so yeah, he lives in Atlanta, not Baltimore. I was intrigued by him, so I didn’t clarify anything at first, you know? I have a really hard time giving up on guys, even those I haven’t met.
A (for Atlanta) sent me a message asking me about my bad tattoo. He didn’t have a proper profile picture but a cartoon version of himself; a kind of inaccurate one, I must say. He also said he was married and had a kid, but that his wife was aware and he was in an open marriage. So yeah, timing wasn’t the only thing against us, but also location and family situation.
I say this because even as I talked to A, and boy did we talk, first on Ok Cupid, then on WhatsApp (he downloaded the app for me!), I knew that this was the type of guy I could fall for, and I couldn’t because even if we fell madly in love, he could never give me what I truly wanted: marriage and kids. And the worst part is he knew I wasn’t totally okay with his family situation but kept talking to him and trying because we were so into each other.
A wasn’t physically attractive, not to me. His dick was kinda small and kinda ugly, but man, he could sext like a god. And he was great at keeping conversations. I told him about J because I wanted to warn him about falling for me. I told him about R, how we were something and then nothing and then oops, he came back, but now he’s gone, I swear.
We talked about me going to Atlanta and him traveling to Baltimore. We talked about spending my birthday at Disney. We talked about him starting a cult and marrying me, and “putting a baby in me.” He told me how he felt he was starting to fall for me, and I told him not to tell me he loved me via text. He told me if I didn’t want him to fall for me, I had to stop being so perfect.
And then came Saturday, July 7th and I was in that cafe, and I’d just decided I had to go back home, so I told him and he said “okay,” and I tried to tell him how unhappy I’d been and how my only happy moments were the ones I spent talking to him, and then I told him to say something and he said “I can’t, I’m sorry,” and then he deleted WhatsApp.
I deleted OkCupid altogether (yes, I created a new account the following day, but that’s not the point) and I tried to respect his wish. He’d told me once he would never block me, and I guess he did follow through with his promise. On July 9th, after a full day back home, I decided I had to try one more time to talk to A. I downloaded Snapchat and took a picture of my bra. I added him (yes, I’d learned his username by heart), and he added me back immediately.
His response was something like “take it off,” so I restated the question. “Do you want me to take it off?” and he replied with a “yes.” I told him I would, if he unblocked me on WhatsApp, and he said he’d deleted it. I said okay, sent him the bra-less picture because I didn’t give a damn anymore, said I’d missed him, had he missed me? He said “no, sorry. Please don’t try to contact me anymore.” So I was the one who blocked him. And I had started to fall for him.
MHD (July 9th-11th)
I didn’t just send the bra picture to A. I sent it to MHD dick, too, with the caption “this still belongs to you.” I know, I’m tacky sometimes. After blocking A, I deleted Snapchat because I figured I wasn’t going to get a response from MHD and I’d basically wasted two pictures.
The following day, I’m at my grandmother’s house and I’m suddenly curious, so I re-download Snapchat and yes, there it is, the world’s most beautiful dick. We exchange a few pictures and videos and then he goes to work. I hate myself for knowing that, well, it’s a Tuesday, so obviously he has to go to work from 1 pm to 1 am.
On Wednesday MHD decides to wake up early-ish and demands pictures, just like old times. I send him one I’d taken earlier that morning while getting dressed. He sends me more pictures and videos (and oh, why does he have to be so hot?), and demands more of me. I tell him I have a job interview, I can’t right now.
I leave the interview and check Snapchat. MHD deleted me from his friends. Again, and now I’m pretty sure forever. I proceed to delete Snapchat, then re-download it a few times, then delete it again.
These have been my most recent fails, and you know that I don’t tell you about successful experiences because I feel like I’m jinxing them. I had fun telling you these stories and I really hope you had fun reading them. If you happen to know who any of these guys is, please tell him I said hi (also, please unblock me?)
Love, Miss Camila