Hello and happy Saturday. Let’s just continue with part two of my most recent fail story when it comes to online dating.
It was the day before I had to come back to Bogota. Daylight savings had happened the previous day and I still felt like an hour of my life had been stolen. I woke up, listened to my teacher bff’s voice note, replied, and then went back to sleep. I was woken up a second time by a text. I would’ve ignored it, except the yellow Snapchat icon meant that text could belong to only one person. Yes, MHD was texting me in the morning of my last day in Baltimore.
He wanted sex. He wanted it so badly, at first he told me he would go all the way to the apartment where I was staying just to sleep with me. I told him I’d meet him for breakfast, to what he replied he’d buy me breakfast if we had sex first. We talked from 8:30am to 11:30am, and as time progressed and our conversation didn’t, he told me he couldn’t drive all the way to where I was, but maybe I could go to where he was. You see, he works (worked, I have no idea) from 1pm to midnight, so there was no way he could go to Baltimore, have sex, and then go back to where he worked on time. We then decided that meeting that morning wasn’t going to happen, so maybe he could just come over to my apartment after work.
I know it was a booty call, okay? But that was going to be my only chance at seeing my man in person, and I was going to take it. That day I got to my apartment early-ish, took a nice shower, redid my makeup, put on fancy lingerie, and sat down in bed to watch Teachers until MHD got out of work. When he did, he texted “just got out of work,” and then, nothing. I replied letting him know where I was staying, but he didn’t even see the text. I thought he might be driving or something, but then an hour went by and I had no information of him. I knew he wasn’t driving to where I was because he didn’t know where I was, so I just figured he went back to his place. After an hour I texted him I’d just go to sleep.
I had to be at the airport at noon, so I had a few hours in the morning, and I thought, if he woke up earlier like he’d done the day before, then maybe we could meet. Dumb as I am, I even thought he could take me to the airport. Well, I texted him super early and started getting ready. He did reply, you know when? As I was walking to the gate where I had to wait for the plane that would take me back to Colombia.
Then, a weird thing happened. We started talking a lot again, mostly about sex, I’m not going to lie. When I told him I was at the airport and he sent me a sad face emoji, I asked him “next time?” to which he replied “yeah. Next time.” I was still hopeful, after the 8263 opportunities I’d given him and us, I still thought, “well, we’re still talking, aren’t we? March wasn’t our time to meet, but May for sure will be.”
It all went to hell the last two weeks of March. You see, in Snapchat we had the golden heart emoji, which means we were each other’s best friends. One morning I texted him, and he opened the message but didn’t reply. That’s not the worst part, though. The worst part was that our golden heart, which we’d kept for almost a full week, had been replaced with the smiley face emoji. That’s the emoji that tells you “yeah, he might be the only one you’re texting, but you sure aren’t his only one, honey.”
Telling you that I went into crazy overthinking mode is a total understatement. Here’s where all my jealousy and insecurities kicked in. I saw the open message, the other emoji and his Snapchat score, which was significantly higher, and I immediately thought “he’s talking to another girl.” I mean, I was this girl he’d been talking to for two months without meeting, and I’d recently told him we wouldn’t be able to meet for at least another three months. Meanwhile, there are these other girls he can see literally whenever he wants to because they live close to him, and they will satisfy the urge for sex that is apparently his top priority in life.
I was smarter this time than I’d been in February when he disappeared on me, and that’s because I took advice from Mark Rosenfeld as opposed to my friends. I’m going to write a whole post about dating advice, so be sure to check it out, but basically what I did was give him time. I gave him two full days in which I didn’t text him. I was giving him time to text me, but that didn’t happen, so on day three I sent him a cute selfie with a “happy Saturday.” And he replied!
The thing is, I was still feeling like he was talking to another girl, or maybe even other girls, and he was keeping me in the back burner, you know, just in case. We talked a bit more that day, and then he disappeared again, and again I gave him two days. I texted him (yes, I know, I was desperate, and I think deep down I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t wasted almost three months talking to this guy and then nothing), he replied, and you know the rest.
I gave him his two golden days, and I thought, “okay, we’ve been through this before where he just disappears and I keep texting him, and then he reappears, I’ll have to do that.” Was that a good choice? Of course not. By then I should’ve just moved on, but I kept thinking about him and the fact that we indeed had a future together. I didn’t move on, and I know now that if I had, this story would’ve had a different ending.
For about four days, I sent him a good morning text or a selfie (some more provocative than others, but still keeping my clothes on). Then, I don’t know why but on day five I just couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t even looked at my text via Snapchat, so I went to OK Cupid. Now, when he disappeared on me in February, I also sent him messages on this app, and he read them but didn’t reply to them. I had to reenable my account because I’d disabled it when we started talking again and we had the Snapchat golden heart, and to my surprise I found MHD was online.
I’m not proud of this, and it’s going to take me a while to tell anybody (other than you) about this, but I just started bombarding him with messages. I was like Danielle on 90-Day Fiancé. Because MHD was online, he read my messages immediately but wouldn’t reply to them. So I kept insisting. This is going to sound completely insane, but it was kind of fun, to just text him all of this and to know he was reading it. Then I went to refresh the website to discover he’d blocked me.
Our two months of talking ended up with him blocking me. I think he also deleted me on Snapchat. I blocked him on Instagram so that he’d stop following me (although I did unblock him later), and to this day we haven’t had any contact. Now, despite all the red flags he raised, I obviously have to take the blame on the way things ended. Yes, he wasn’t going to confront me and tell me he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, but I just acted plain crazy.
The reason why I ultimately didn’t block MHD on Instagram will probably become obvious to you in a future post, but I did take steps to avoid having the temptation to talk to him. I deleted the Snapchat app from my phone because I was only using it to text him. I also made a few changes to my OK Cupid profile and started talking to some guys, but then decided to delete that account altogether. I will open a new one, but I’m giving myself a full month to process what has happened, to think of ways in which I can be smarter when it comes dating, even if it’s just online for now, and to basically change my whole mindset.
I think MHD and I weren’t compatible because we were looking for different things. He is at a stage in his life when all he wants is sex, and I was looking for a boyfriend, maybe something else. And I think we both tried to see what we wanted in the other person because there was a point when we did like each other. I do hope MHD is getting what he wants. Talking to him made me explore my sexuality way more, and that’s something I’m grateful for. In trying to be sexy for him, I discovered I liked being sexy for myself too, and now I enjoy buying and wearing lingerie.
Moving on with my life and focusing on myself gets easier as days go by. Even though I still considered myself to be single while talking to MHD, I missed feeling single. I missed not worrying whether someone is texting me or not, like receiving a message would be a sign of validation. I missed not feeling like I needed that validation. And so, in giving myself that time, I want to go into dating still feeling the way I do now about myself and my life, and I need to be smart about it. I would give things with MHD another chance, but the terms and conditions definitely have to change, on both our parts, and it wouldn’t be a matter of him taking me back, but rather us starting over.
Have you had a bad breakup or a situation like mine, in which you felt like you needed that abrupt end to stop and reevaluate aspects of your life? Let me know in the comments below!
Love, Miss Camila