We interrupt your regular blogging schedule to bring you this because I’m desperate and I’ve felt like a liar for a while now and it doesn’t seem right. You haven’t noticed this because I schedule my posts way in advance, but for almost a month I haven’t sat down and written something, and that’s because I’ve been really sad, or rather, heartbroken. You see, three months ago today I matched with this guy on E-Harmony and back then I didn’t know he would become such an important part of my life. I sent him an ice breaker, which is just a question you can pick from a list. He answered it and we went back and forth for a while. I was going through a hard time regarding my mental health and honestly that time of the day when I got an email saying that he’d replied or sent me a message was a highlight for me.
While we were talking via E-Harmony, I was super careful with what I was telling him because I wanted him to like me and to think the best of me, you know? I was crushing hard on him, and I knew that he was different from all the other men with whom I’d gotten in contact in the recent past. I felt that what we were building was pure and good and I wanted it to last. Man, I was falling for him even if I was having a hard time realizing it. I think the moment that did it was when I asked him about his favorite indoor activity. It was sort of a test, if I’m being honest. Basically, if he replied that sex was his favorite indoor activity, I would unmatch him. He said reading and Netflix were his top activities and I was equally relieved and stoked at having such an amazing person in my life.
I don’t want to reveal too much about him, but I’ll tell you that his name is Sam. I’ll also tell you that he once said that he never wanted me to write a post about him. He said this after reading one of my fail stories or online dating updates. And of course, I would’ve never wanted to be writing this kind of post about him. I wanted to feature him in here a lot, starting with a “Meet My Boyfriend” post after we met in person, and all sorts of cute things about us. Instead, I’m writing this and it sucks and I didn’t want you to find out about Sam like this, but then again, I can’t pretend like he never existed.
A few weeks after talking to Sam, I got let go from my job, which wasn’t a surprise, but it wasn’t a good thing either. We kept talking via E-Harmony, and I kept waiting for him to ask for my number or something, but he didn’t, so I took the initiative. I asked whether he had Instagram, and he said no, so I told him to download Whatsapp and that became our main source of communication.
Now, let me tell you, going from writing one message a day to being able to text constantly meant a huge change in our dynamic. We bickered like old people throughout the entire first two days, and I mean we had little fights about absolutely everything. Still, I don’t know how we managed to keep the conversation going. Talking to Sam made me realize how messed up my whole “game” was. I would be manipulative and I would test him because I was used to doing that to other guys. And I realized I didn’t want to be that person to him. I wanted to be nice because he deserved that.
Sam lives in the States and I live in Colombia, and right when we started talking on Whatsapp, we began making plans about meeting in person. It was November, so thinking about me traveling to the States in April was a bit crazy. Now it’s February what’s crazy is the fact that the trip might not happen. I mean, I was supposed to buy the tickets on the 4th and I didn’t, so right now I don’t know how things are going to unfold in the months to come.
We made plans about where we would live and the amount of kids we’d have. He even enrolled in university to become a teacher. I hope he goes; classes start in March, but now after this I don’t know whether he deems it necessary. Maybe he was doing it all to please me and not because it was what made him happy. I hope that’s not the case.
I was able to find another job pretty soon after being let go, so technically I was never unemployed. The day my contract with one school ended, I went and signed my contract with another school. We talked for the entirety of my vacation, so from December 7th to January 17th. Now I understand that our relationship was being built upon a scenario that wasn’t real life. I mean, I was on vacation, so I was always available, but the reality was that I would go to work and be busy for most of the day. I don’t know whether the change in my schedule was the deal breaker for Sam. I don’t know what it was even though for weeks I’ve been trying to figure it out.
Sam gave me his address and I would send stuff to his place. I bought him notebooks, and post-it notes, and pens, and even a pen holder so that he would be ready for school. I bought some books to start filling up my shelves in the place that I would call my home. I mistakenly sent some makeup over to his place, and told him to give it away to his mom and sister because it would probably go bad before I was going to be able to use it.
We broke up once, and it was my fault. I was having doubts about whether I liked him for real or not, and so I dared him to block me on Whatsapp. He did and I realized he had after trying to text him for an entire day and only getting one checkmark. You see, on Whatsapp one checkmark means that the message has been sent but that the other person hasn’t gotten it. This might happen because the recipient is in a place with bad reception, or because their phone is off, but it also might happen because they’ve blocked your number or deleted Whatsapp altogether. Remember one post about my exchange that I started by saying I was pretty sure I’d been ghosted? Well, I was talking about Sam, but notice that I didn’t reveal any details about his identity because I was waiting for the right moment to do it.
I was absolutely miserable after realizing that Sam and I were potentially over. I blocked him on E-Harmony and I went a bit crazy looking for singles retreats now that I had “regained my freedom.” Then, like the emotionally unstable person that I’ve always been, I broke down and cried several times because the only thing I wanted in my life was to talk to Sam and be with Sam and I’d ruined it by being insecure. So I wrote him an email, my last resort, and I waited. My plan was to actually write him every day or so until he contacted me back. There was no need, though, because that night I put my phone on airplane mode and slept with my mom (that helps me when I’m feeling sad), and the next morning I woke up to a text in which he said he’d read my email and he missed me and he wanted us to start over.
Those two months after that were pretty awesome, well, not the entire two months, but the month and a half or so. What I mean is, the rest of our relationship after making up. I felt like I’d overcome a barrier within me, that I had given myself the chance to be vulnerable with someone and that I’d been able to silence all the voices in my head that told me I was pretty much inadequate and undeserving of love.
Sam sent me his last text on Sunday, January 20th. We were having what I thought was a pretty mundane conversation because I told him that we should go to an amusement park when I went to visit, and that we should have biscuit and donuts. He replied that there was a decent park he could take me to and then asked “biscuit?” I don’t know if it was my raunchy reply what made him stop texting me altogether or what, because I told him that biscuit could be a pre-sex snack, then we could have sex, eat Taco Bell, then watch a movie, eat popcorn and M&M’s and then have some sex. And that was the last I knew from Sam.
He had a weird schedule, so I wasn’t worried when he didn’t reply on Monday, but then when I got nothing that night or the morning after, my mind started going a bit crazy. Since after our big fight, not a day went by without us talking, so I thought maybe he got home after work and was too tired, and then he woke up the following day super late and I was already at work. I don’t know, I just tried to make sense of the fact that he’d never taken that long to text me back. Because he had a weird schedule, I never knew way in advance when he’d have to work or not, so I didn’t know whether he wasn’t replying because he was busy or because he was sleeping or what. That “or what” was what worried me the most.
The texts that I started sending on Tuesday were all along the lines of “hey,” “I miss you,” “are you there?” and then they changed to “Sam, I’m worried,” and “what’s going on? Please talk to me,” until on Wednesday I got only one checkmark, meaning that he’d either blocked me or deleted Whatsapp.
Now, this wasn’t like the previous time because it had been three days, so I knew it was way more serious than our first breakup. I thought that if an email had fixed things in the past, it could fix them then. I wrote to him on Wednesday and got no reply. I wrote to him on Friday and nothing. I think I wrote him another email on Saturday and, you guessed it, nothing. I’ve lost count of the amount of emails I’ve sent, and I worry that nothing will make him come back to my life.
This isn’t how it was supposed to be, you know? He was this unexpected blessing in my life, he was my rose-tinted glasses and I felt that because of him I was at the best moment of my life. I’d recently landed an amazing job, and I was with a man who cared for me for who I was, and what’s most important: I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I still can because I still refuse to believe it’s over.
Sam used to read my blog, although I doubt that he does now. I’ll send him this link in the hopes that he’ll click it. This is not just a crush. This is not just me being desperate for a guy who doesn’t like me back. This is me fighting for something I’d never felt before. This is me not giving up on the thing and the person that’s brought me the most happiness I’ve felt. This is me saying that if I’m not with you, Sam, I don’t think marriage and kids are for me. This is me saying that I don’t want to get over you even though I know I can, and even though I will if that’s what you’ll ultimately want.
So, there you have it, my first true heartbreak. Hopefully the last because this is seriously exhausting.